Repth

3/14/2025

I'm always coming back to this hopeless situation. Even in my 30s. I still can't find a job. And now I'm almost out of money.

Went to an interview the other day and it didn't go well. Froze up during the last question, which hasn't happened in a while, and then broke down in the grocery store because how the hell does someone manage to fail this much in every area of life? I got referred to vocational rehab yesterday. Hopefully they actually call me this time.

With the algorithms and AI being the way they are, it feels like there's no point in trying to get my art seen anymore.

Yes, I like to do art for myself. But it gets lonely when there's no one to show it to, you know? Sometimes I draw and I think "No one is looking forward to seeing this. No one will be happy to see it, because nobody will see it."

I've always wanted to tell stories through comics or other kinds of art, but I'm afraid of putting in so much effort for nobody to see it. Even if I had only a handful of people who would genuinely look forward to it, it would be worth it.

But because all of my motivation has been sapped through burnout and depression, it's hard to even put my feelings into art anymore.

2/20/2025

There are so many things that have changed since the last time I wrote on here. Bad things have happened. Good things too, but they were brief. Very brief.

I don't know if I want to or will write about what happened in New Zealand. Or what happened before I went. But yes, I ended up going after all. And for now, I don't want to relive those memories.

Part of me wants to write about everything that happened after I came back, but I just can't bring myself to be in that space again.

Life is just bad, mostly. That's just how it is.

Other things; I no longer identify as transgender or nonbinary. Which was weird to say for a while, because I have identified that way since 2012. But I realized a lot of things about myself... about the concept of gender. And how I don't want to participate in gender. And I feel more secure in this realization.

Our dog died recently. I miss her a lot.